It has been nearly week of sorrow, tragedy, and heartbreak. Even if you don’t know anyone in Central Texas, the stories of people, especially children, caught entirely off-guard and losing their lives has an indelible impact on us.
As a pastor, I get asked to speak into events like this fairly consistently. Sometimes it has to do with some level of personal or individual trauma, or it has to do with events of community, national, or international impact – like those in Texas. Whether personal or global, people dealing with pain want to know: Why does this happen? What can I do? The more I work with parents, I see moms and dads struggle with how to give their kids some sense of hope, especially when they have a difficult time seeing it themselves.
Being True v Being Helpful
Let me start by saying that not all true statements are helpful statements. Theology deals with truth about God and his activity on the earth. When people are in an objective state of mind, that truth is always helpful, whether it’s easy to understand or not. However, when dealing with issues of great emotional weight – there are some truths which are unhelpful and thus ungodly to convey to people in their grief. That does not mean lie or withhold truth, but it does mean adhering to the biblical maxim: “be quick to listen and slow to speak.” (James 1:19)
One more caveat: much of what I am writing is based on my 25+ years of ministry experience, and each situation is different. Take what is good for your situation and leave anything that doesn’t work. But before anything, PRAY. Pray for the right words to say, and most importantly, the words NOT to say. Quiet support is not a bad response, and admitting when there are no good answers is better than providing a bad one.
A Word of Theology (True, but not necessarily helpful to someone in grief)
With that said, I do need to get the theology out there. In some respects, all tragedy could be dealt with similarly. From the smallest hangnail to the largest natural disaster, they are all the result of the Fall which we read about in Genesis 3. It is a sinful, broken world, so there should be no expectation of ease on this side of heaven. Indeed, the whole earth groans as in the pains of childbirth from the point of Adam’s sin until now (Romans 8:22). All of life is affected, and since the wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23), the expectation of death/and that which leads to death should be so pronounced as to be palpable.
We all feel this is true. Faith, religion, spirituality does not change that any more than atheism. God’s existence or non-existence does not change the reality of pain and suffering. Its effects are widespread, deep, and profound.
This becomes even more pointed when tragedy hits a child. Whether it is something on the order of a child losing a parent, a child being diagnosed with a debilitating illness, the innumerable instances of child abuse related to us in our newsfeeds, or the loss of scores of kids’ lives in a natural disaster, most people feel a particular sting of outrage when extreme hardship hits children. That outrage is often directed at God. Many (even amongst the Christian faithful) cry out, “where is God?” Believers wrangle with it. Unbelievers fall for it. The key problem cited by many an atheist when asserting that there is no god, is that of pain.
From a theologically “true” standpoint, the existence of God provides a foundation of hope. We can say, “This happened because God has a bigger purpose.” And that is true. Romans 8:28 tells us that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose. We see this work out in the life of Joseph in the book of Genesis. Sold into slavery by jealous brothers, framed for assault and thrown into prison, and neglected for years in that prison, he can say in the end that God ordained all that happened for the “saving of many lives.” (Genesis 50:15-21) He saw the purpose in hindsight, when it all worked out.
Yet, I wonder if he would have said the same thing from the depths of his prison cell after years of abuse and neglect…
You see, when a parent is faced with the eminent death of a child and when a flood tears families apart, these truths are not helpful. When a child is dealing with the loss of a friend, those truths are not helpful. When any of us are in the cold cell of grief, those truths don’t warm us easily, if at all. Instead they tend to diminish the hurt. Death and suffering are things we are not hardwired to accept because we were not made to die or suffer. That was not the original design… so it should be illogically painful when we are faced with death in all its forms. And theological truth, no matter how well-meaning is but a band-aid on a bullet hole.
A Jesus Response (True and often helpful)
What can be helpful in the darkness of profound tragedy is to remember who Jesus is, and what he has done. Jesus, who had no lack or culpability, entered into our sin and brokenness out of love for us. (Philippians 2:1-11) He did not ONLY come with theologically true statements, but he came with a willingness to go to the lowest place of brokenness for us. It was his presence on earth that was more significant than his educational/theological stances. God does not leave us in our grief, in Jesus Christ, he meets us there. If we claim to follow Jesus then, it is our presence with others that is more powerful than the words we say.
When we are sitting with a person who is feeling the weight of brokenness in this world – those who are in the middle of the pit of despair – the most true statement we can make is “This is terrible. I am so so sorry…” The point is not to try to explain away the grief, but just let it stand, acknowledge the weight and seriousness. And then shut up and listen. Listen to the unvarnished grief. Listen to the sobs. And let only the above be the response. This is terrible… I am so sorry. Be the one who is willing to sit in that grief without explanation or cliché – true as the statements may be – resist all urges to offer them. This will be especially difficult if the one grieving is asking for an explanation… even then, the response is “I don’t know why this is happening (because we really don’t know why this particular tragedy is happening)… I wish I did, but this is terrible. My heart breaks with you. I am so sorry.”
This is why Paul writes “Mourn with those who mourn…” (Romans 12:15b). He doesn’t say have all the answers for those who mourn, but mourn with them. Hurt with them. Let them be angry or depressed for the season, because we SHOULD be angry and depressed about death, that’s not the plan of God, and he has done something about it in Jesus.
One of the most pointed examples of Jesus dealing with the grief of others comes in John 11. There, Jesus’ friend, Lazarus, dies… in fact, Jesus lets him die. But as he engages with Lazarus’ sisters, knowing he will raise his friend from the dead, it says that he is “indignant and greatly troubled” at the scene of mourners, then he weeps (John 11:35). There is a lot of debate about why… and I, myself, have taught long studies on this very passage, but the bottom line is that the emotion of the day, in the face of others’ grief, affected Jesus. Even though he KNEW he was going to call Lazarus out of the tomb, he is still emotional and does not shy away from that emotion even with the knowledge of the resurrection. The Lazarus story is a precursor to Jesus’ own resurrection and the promise of resurrection to all who know him and yet die in this life. We have a hope of the resurrection that is sure and certain… but the emotions of right now still matter.
So, in my experience, trying to edit the grief of someone else does not bring them closer to Jesus or help them in their grief. Rather when we model a posture of presence and understanding, when we are willing to just “be” with people in the discomfort, we are embodying Jesus. In the long run, that will do more to preach the gospel than all the “true” sermons and theological statements on grief, loss, and mourning.
In cases where the tragedy is geographically far away, we can be spiritually present in our prayers, and physically present in our donations. We can dig deep to contribute to the financial needs that will result from the rebuilding process. This will NOT diminish the grief of the loss of life (money can’t bring a child back from the dead), but it may mitigate any future grief when it is time to rebuild a house or purchase necessities. We can alleviate that future pain with our contributions.
Specifically Talking with Children
If you are addressing a child who is themselves going through the pain or has a friend, parent, grandparent going through the pain, or you are talking to them about a newsworthy tragedy, the key is truthful sensitivity. In as simple a way as possible, point back to Jesus. Be honest about the situation when addressing it. That it hurts, it’s not right. Hold back any details you think are inappropriate for their age, but don’t sugar coat things. Then we can explain, as a child is ready to hear it, at whatever level they can understand it, that Jesus knows how terrible things like death are. He understands how terrible things like cancer and car accidents and flash floods are. He grieves too… and more than that – he has done something about it. He died to defeat death. He got involved in the brokenness, taking it on himself, to overwhelm brokenness. He cares so much that he was willing to get down in the hurt, taking the hurt on himself, to make us whole. It’s only as we have faith that God does care and showed us by getting into it with us in Jesus, that we have hope. God showed us he cares by having his Son walk into tragedy for us. Because of that truth, tragedies don’t have the final word. Tumors and accidents and devastating storms and heart attacks don’t have the final word.
Children are resurrected. The world made whole again. We may not see it right now, but that’s why it’s called faith and hope…
In the meantime, we are called to model the way of Jesus to others. To be patient and kind. Meet people in their grief and take deep breaths, praying for a supernatural comfort for those who mourn. Where we can provide tangible help with meals or financial assistance, we should.
Resources
There are a number of good resources that deal with the subject of suffering, and I will make mention of a few. Please note, mentioning these resources does not mean I endorse all that they write or espouse. They are not Scripture but still helpful in many ways.
C.S. Lewis, the Problem of Pain and A Grief Observed
The first is a theological treatise, the second is written after the death of Lewis’ wife Joy. Together they are a balanced and authentic compendium of how we can understand pain and experience it as a follower of Jesus Christ.
RC Sproul, Surprised by Suffering
A highly-Reformed take on suffering with surprising pastoral clarity.
Frances Spufford, Unapologetic: Why, Despite Everything, Christianity Can Still Make Surprising Sense
The most recent of the books listed, Spufford writes from the standpoint of an Anglican in England. He is witty, though sometimes at the expense of truth. Also note, there is some foul language in this book because, well, England… But I have found his presentation of the atonement as it relates to suffering to be insightful.
This is a rather heady, but good article about suffering and a Reformed perspective on how to view it. I hesitate to say it is as “pastoral” as it claims to be, but there are some helpful nuggets here.
by the Rev. Dr. Zac McGowen, FPC Outreach Pastor
Donate to FPC disaster relief fund to support those in Texas affected by the flooding.